The Guilt of Good Health

Have you ever done something that made you feel guilty? Cheated on a test? Picked on someone? 

You know that guilt that eventually builds up inside you?  

That's me most days.  

Don't get me wrong.  This post isn't about me wanting people to feel sorry for me.  If anything, I want people to read this and start living life for the big beautiful things it offers and stop sweating the small stuff.  

Here's the bottom line: I feel guilty for being healthy.  

1 in 272,000.  or 0%.  Those are the statistics for Thalassemia.  Thalassemia is a genetic blood disorder which is most prevalent among Mediterranean people.  That is what my sister Heidi has. 

Thalassemia is the big dark cloud that has followed my sister for her entire life.  

Heidi is 3 years older than me.  For my entire childhood and most of my teenage years I always saw my sister as a protector. I never could see her illness as weakness.  It was like her role as big sister blinded me from the reality.  The reality was that she had a rare blood disorder that doctors really couldn't figure out.  I was too young to know that her life was so different than mine even though just a hall way separated us.  

From an early age my parents always encouraged Heidi to look out for me.  I was the younger sister and I'm sure they could tell that I was a highly sensitive child.  And that's exactly what Heidi always did.  She looked out for me.  As latch key kids we relied on one another for a lot.  Mostly, I relied on her.  

I relied on her for her culinary skills (and this is the reason to this day that I really lack in that department).  I'll give y'all a quick story that illustrates her natural culinary skills: I am probably 9 and she's around 12.  We decide to make our parents an anniversary dinner.  This dinner was not your typical dinner.  Our dinner for our parents consisted of homemade pasta.  Yep. She got out the pasta machine.  We made the dough.  We made fresh spaghetti for our parents. Admit it.  You're impressed. :)

Fast forward over 20 years and here we are today.  Heidi is very close to having a feeding tube.  Her god given talent of cooking immaculate meals and probably one of her greatest sources of happiness may be just a memory.  I'm sure she will still cook for Kevin, her husband.  Even so, I'm sure passion for cooking dwindles as the physical ability to enjoy it does.

Heidi had open heart surgery just weeks before beginning James Madison University.  I saw her in ICU with god knows how many tubes in and out of her as she laid.  It's been almost 15 years since that surgery and that image is still so very clear in my mind.  She triumphed on as I thought she would with her super older sister power. :)  She had a normal happy college life and then just weeks after graduating college, I held her in my arms after she had her first grand mal seizure.  And then the battle against seizures started.

And then there's me.  Still healthy.  Sure, I've had my ups and downs in life.  But I'm healthy.  It is NOTHING in comparison to what my big sister has endured and is still battling.   

How do I deal with all of this?

Terribly.  I have NO idea how to handle it.  I cry on my car rides home from work.  My parents and my sister and I are now grown adults with our own families but there's still a feeling of deep sadness and imbalance knowing that one of us, one of the four of us, is suffering and seems to be heading down hill.  

I struggle with the thought that this could be me instead of my sister easily.  I was somehow spared.  And I can't come to terms with that.  

So to my friends, I know I'm distant.  I am sorry.  I will try to break down the walls that I have built around me.

To my mom and dad: keep doing what you're doing.  In my heart it will always be the four of us as one strong unit.  A unit that remains strong because of you two.

To my sister: don't give up.  Thalassemia (or whatever is making this happen) has messed with the wrong bitch! hehe. Mom is probably so mad that I cussed in my blog. ;)

To my brother in law, Kevin: you're a stand up guy.  You were meant for Heidi. :)

To Nate: you're my rock. Life is easier with you in it. Keep the hugs coming.

And to my Jayden: keep the silliness coming.  Mommy needs it!

To anyone else reading this: keep living.  You're healthy.  Don't take it for granted.

For me, I think the guilt will always be there.  I'll carry on as I do but I will break down time to time.

Our Cabinet Transformation...FINALLY!

First, let me start by saying that there was nothing wrong with the cabinets.  When I was first saw them I had an 'ehhh' reaction (insert Greek/Italian hand gesture and facial expression).

After almost a month of painting the entire interior of the house I was hesitant to start a new project.  My mom tried to talk me out of it. Nate was hesitant.  Hell, I was reluctant. 

But I went for it.

I read a LOT of reviews and how-to blogs about painting cabinets and decided to use Rustoleum Cabinet Transformations Kit. 

The biggest selling point of this kit is that it eliminates the sanding process (don't worry I'll explain how).

The project is a 3 step process (4 steps if you use the optional decorative glaze).

THE SET UP

 Before you begin, take off all of the doors and drawers.  Tape off edges on the walls to avoid getting product on the walls.

Initially, I set up the cabinets standing up like this:

I found that this position was difficult to paint on.  It causes drips in the paint and if you are leaning the cabinet against plastic it will most likely stick to the plastic a little.

Instead I repositioned the cabinets like this:

 

STEP 1 - Cleaning and deglossing 

Clean the cabinets thoroughly.  I used warm water and Pine-sol. This process takes time.  For 21 cabinets and 6 drawers, cleaning took about 2.5 hours.  Be sure to clean off grease that may be on kitchen cabinets.  

Next is the deglossing process. This is the part that replaces the traditional step of sanding. The kit comes with scrub pads and liquid deglossing formula. Scrub the liquid onto the cabinets.  This preps the cabinets so the paint will adhere properly.  

Scrubbing action:

After scrubbing you will need to wipe down any excess liquid deglosser.  You will be surprised to see how much liquid remains on the cabinets. Here is what I wiped away on one cabinet:

TOTAL TIME FOR STEP 1: ABOUT 4.5 HOURS

STEP 2 - BOND COAT

The bond coat is the color stain.  We chose the color Kona.  It's the darkest brown you can get.  

This step is time consuming because it requires 2 coats.  

You start by painting the frames first then move on to the cabinets and drawers.  

I would describe the paint as thicker than stain but thinner than standard wall paint.  

I didn't tape the hinges of the cabinets because mine aren't completely flush to the wood so I could maneuver the brush under it carefully like this:

TOTAL TIME FOR STEP 2: ABOUT 9.5 HOURS

STEP 3 - PROTECTIVE TOP COAT

This step scared me.

There were so many reviews that said that the top coat product was crap.

 Many of them opted to buy standard polyurethane.

I started at a spot that wasn't in a high traffic area...just in case I wasn't pleased with the results. 

The consistency is much thinner than standard lacquer.  It is a milky white color which was the main complaint of other reviewers.  Once you start painting it and do back and forth brush strokes, the white color clears up and evenly coats the area. 

Here is my one complaint about the kit and this particular step: they say to start with the back of the of the cabinets.  I do NOT recommend that.  Being that the protective coat is rather thin, it's really hard to prevent dripping. 

So let me walk you through the final hours of this project....

I'm exhausted, physically and mentally.

It's like I'm on the final mile of a race and I can see the finish line.  

I am about to paint the front and final side of the cabinets and drawers.

I give a little speech to Nate and my Mom and went a little something like this..."after hours and hours of hard grunt work, I am about to put the final coat on these cabinets...I'm am so excited".

I walk outside, flip over the cabinets and discover this:

 Excess protective coat from the back of the cabinet door that dripped to the front and dried up.  

ahhhhhhhh!!!! 

I had to use a sanding block to sand off the damage, then repaint those areas TWICE and then finally do the last damn coat.  

TOTAL TIME FOR STEP 3: ABOUT 6 HOURS.

Would I recommend this kit to others? ABSOLUTELY!

A couple tips:

• Set up the doors and drawers on tables. Otherwise you will spend hours squatting awkwardly like I did (hellooooo BenGay).
• Make sure you have good lighting.  Our garage is poorly lit so I had to touch up several spots that needed more paint.  
• Be realistic.  This is a DIY project. It will take time, patience, and dedication.

TOTAL TIME FOR THIS PROJECT: 20 HOURS.

Was it worth it?

I think so. ;)